Scary Milk
by OverlordYue
Summary: In the middle of a long and boring war council, Zhang He and Xiahou Yuan find themselves arguing. Their subject? Who is scarier, Cao Cao or Sima Yi?


"This is so dreadfully boring," Zhang He sighed, covering his mouth to hide a yawn. The large man beside him kept his eyes forward as he gruffly replied, "I won't let my lord hear that if I were you. He and Sima Yi seem very excited about this plan."

"Hmm..." Zhang He leaned back in his chair, raising one arm to support the other as he stroked his chin, "But still, we've been here for almost six hours, and it smells absolutely horrible."

"You're worried about the smell!?" Xiahou Yuan snorted, glancing at the butterfly next to him, "I'm starving!"

"If I think about food while surrounded by this disgusting stench," Zhang He objected with a small groan, "I'm going to throw up."

"You throw up on me, and you'll find yourself with less limbs then you would like," Xiahou Yuan growled, trying to scoot his chair away from the graceful general.

"Master Xiahou Yuan," Sima Yi muttered, freezing the general in his tracks, "Is there a problem?"

"No, just a bit uncomfortable," Xiahou Yuan winced, leaning away from the strategist's dark gaze. The purple clad man scowled and narrowed his eyes, "Then I suggest you do your shifting a little more quietly."

"Yes sir," Xiahou Yuan nodded, and Sima Yi turned back to the map, dragging one of his fingers along a stretch of land, explaining its importance.

"He scares me," Xiahou Yuan shuddered, leaning toward Zhang He so he could whisper. Zhang He forced back a laugh, but amusement was plain in his voice as he replied, "You? A mighty warrior? Afraid of Master Sima Yi? I myself find his company... fascinating."

"Pfft, yeah, fascinating," Xiahou Yuan grunted. Zhang He leaned in closer and muttered, "Yes, fascinating. But I must admit that Lord Cao Cao does prove to be intimidating figure."

"Nah, that purple freak is scarier," Xiahou Yuan argued, "Look at his eyes! You never know what he's thinkin!"

"But look how Lord Cao Cao stands!" Zhang He whispered, his eyes darting toward the Wei ruler than back to his companion, "He looks like a lion about to prey upon the tiny mules of the wild!"

"Mules don't live in the wild," Xiahou Yuan snorted, and Zhang He let a small scowl tug at his lips, "You've never seen what I've seen, general."

"Enough about mules. Look! Look at that smirk," Xiahou Yuan subtly pointed his finger at Sima Yi, who was indeed smirking as he stepped back to allow Cao Cao to speak, "I feel like a little, naïve soldier when he looks at me with that smirk! Sends shivers down my spine."

"But look at Lord Cao Cao's bread!" Zhang He objective, sweeping his hand toward his lord, "With that and his striking hair, he looks as menacing as a mighty dragon!"

"But Master Sima Yi's clothes practically shout evil," Xiahou Yuan pointed out, "Only scary men wear purple!"

"Pfft, evil?" Zhang He scoffed, his voice still light despite his tone, "I find the purpleness of his clothes enchanting. Besides, Lord Cao Cao's outfit is comprised of those dark, yet bold, colors! They darken his eyes, and make him look even more terrifying!"

"Are you two arguing about how scary those two are?" Zhang Liao asked from Zhang He's other side, where he had been subconsciously listening.

"Yes. Tell me general," Zhang He turned his head to look at the fully armored warrior, "Who do you think is more intimating? Master Sima Yi or Lord Cao Cao?"

"Lord Cao Cao, definitely," Zhang Liao glanced at the Wei lord before nodding, "Yes, he is clearly more intimidating."

"I beg to differ," Xiahou Dun hissed from his place beside Xiahou Yuan, "I find Sima Yi's company much more uncomfortable and unnerving than Lord Cao Cao's."

"But look at his beard-" Zhang Liao started, but Zhang He intervened, "I already pointed out the beard."

"Master Sima Yi is scary!" Xu Zhu grunted from beside Zhang Liao, "He gives me the creeps."

"Lord Cao Cao could surely squish him," Dian Wei argued from his place next to the round warrior, "Master Sima Yi doesn't stand a chance."

The topic spread like wildfire around the table as people took sides. Sima Yi and Cao Cao were watching them as the whispers grew into a soft buzz, then morphed into a loud chatter.

"Are they talking about..." Cao Cao started, looking at his strategist.

"…How scary we are?" Sima Yi finished, meeting his lord's gaze with an arched eyebrow.

"Look here freak!" Xiahou Yuan roared as he and Zhang He rose simultaneously, "Master Sima Yi is much scarier than Lord Cao Cao!"

"Are you daft!?" Zhang He shouted back, "Lord Cao Cao is the most intimating man in China!"

"But look!" Xiahou Yuan stumped over and grabbed Sima Yi by the arm, pointing at the strategist's head, "His hat is taller! That makes him seem taller, and therefore makes him loom over people! He is scarier!"

Zhang He snorted and pranced over to Cao Cao, jabbing at his headpiece, "But this compliments his hair, making him look like a fearless griffin about to pounce! And look! Lord Cao Cao carries an obvious weapon which strikes fear into his victims' hearts!"

"But having claws makes Master Sima Yi's gloves look scarier!" Xiahou Yuan forcibly raised Sima Yi's gloved hand and brandished it at Zhang He.

"Lord Cao Cao is a more intimating name!" Zhang He glared at Xiahou Yuan who replied, "Yes, but the way it looks makes me think of milk!"

"Enough!" Cao Cao shouted before Zhang He could reply. The lord of Wei drew his arm away from the butterfly warrior and glared him back down into his seat. At the same time, Sima Yi twisted Xiahou Yuan's arm behind his back and whispered, "Take your seat."

With everyone sitting down, and order somewhat restored, Cao Cao began to speak, "Such childish fighting...and over such a ridiculous subject as well!"

"But-" Zhang He started, but Cao Cao silence him with a look. Sima Yi stepped forward and continued where Cao Cao had left off "I understand you are all probably restless, but this behavior is unacceptable."

"And everyone knows Sima Yi is scarier, so let's just move on," Cao Cao finished, turning back to the large map pinned to the wall. Sima Yi nodded and leaned against the wall as Cao Cao continued from where he had left off.

"Well now that I think about it, Master Sima Yi is quite scary..."  
"Yes, I mean, look at those eyes. I feel like I'm being stabbed."

"And really, those gloves are pretty scary."

"And purple _is_ a very intimidating color."

"Quiet!"


End file.
